Thoughts from an (Anti)Trophy Wife

Trophy:  token of victory; a cup, shield, plaque, medal, or other award given in acknowledgment of a victory, success, or some other achievement, especially in a sporting contest

First of all, if you came here expecting a narrative on saline implants and old men robbing the cradle, you aren't going to find it. The latest thing keeping me up at night doesn't have anything to do with these, but rather with the unrealistic expectations that most people these days are giving their kids.


Who among us hasn't received one of these emails recently? "Because little Johnny and his friends worked SO hard we are going to ask each of you parents to send in $10 so that we can buy a trophies for them, even thought their team hasn't won a game all season.  I mean really, they tried SO hard."


What????  At what point did someone sit down and say to themselves, "Hmmm.  We keep score here. The league gives trophies to the winners, but I really don't want our team to be left out.  I wonder if I can find out where they got them and order my own?  I mean, really, the kids tried really hard."  It certainly wasn't like this when we were kids.

When we were kids a championship team won a trophy. A lot of times it was one trophy for the whole team to share, to be placed in a trophy case somewhere. On it was written the title earned by the team.  It certainly was not given to everyone just for participating, and the parents sure weren't expected to pay for it.


Does this sound like the "participation" trophies that all of the parents are buying their kids these days?  And now, when we are starting our kids in sports at 3 years old, they have the possibility of collecting a shelf full of trophies before they ever start elementary school?  What is that teaching them? I will tell you what I think.


We are teaching them trophies don't actually mean anything. We are teaching them that success doesn't matter- even if you lose every game you get the same thing as the team that wins.  You are teaching them that life is fair and even, when if fact it is not. And the biggest thing you are teaching them....


You have no faith that they can actually win one.


These trophies are ordered before the season is over.  Before the winners are chosen.  Before the tournaments are played.  You are telling them, you probably won't win, so I am making sure that you won't be disappointed.


Perfect example:  Last year my son (who was FOUR at the time) played on a baseball team that had a good, but not perfect season.  The coach and his wife made a decision not to order trophies, but rather play the tournament as if they were going to win it. At every game they used the trophies as a way to motivate the boys into trying their hardest. Guess what- we have a 1st Place trophy from that tournament.  The boys worked hard, played hard, and won the trophies. 

Two interesting things came out of this tournament (okay, there is one more thing that came out of that tournament, but I will save that for the day that I feel the need to share my thoughts on what "competitive" really means, because truly, I am embarrassed to even mention the way grown men acted at a 5/6 baseball game):

1. The team that came in second place had already ordered their trophies.  Even though the league gave them the 2nd place medals that they worked hard to win, they were dwarfed by the enormous "participation" trophies that the parents bought.  A little part of me wondered if they would have been more motivated by the table of 1st place trophies if they hadn't had the larger box already waiting for them in their dugout.

2. I realized I would NEVER understand how some people think. During the tournament, our team mom sent out an email saying,"Because we are in the championship game, we can table the idea of ordering trophies.  We will either get a 1st place trophy or a 2nd place medal at the conclusion of the game." If you can believe it, one of the moms responded that "a medal is not good enough for my son- if we lose can I still go buy trophies for everyone?"  Really? Not good enough for your Kindergartner, or not good enough for you??? I can bet that kid will never have to work for anything in his life.

Don't get me wrong. I know not everyone will win.  I do believe in rewarding a good effort.  I believe that the same coach that we won the trophies with had a super solution.  At the end of the season (and two of my kids have now been coached by him in 3 different sports) he hands out "Superlative" awards to all of the kids.  It is a laminated certificate spelling out what that child did well that season.  And you know what?  Both of my son's certificates from that coach are hanging on his wall, and most of his "participation" trophies are somewhere in the closet or under his bed (except for the soccer one that didn't even make it home from the party without getting broken). It means something to my son that his coach thinks he is reliable. It means much more to me that he noticed something about my kid. It is a reminder to him what he contributed to the team, rather than that he was just a player on it.

And I get the argument.  The kids LOVE the trophies.  You are right. They do.  And they will love them even more if they have actually earned them.